Dear God,

I like taking baths. But only if I've been dirty for a long time. I can tell when I've been dirty too long cuz my hair gets greasy and like dread-locks. I wish I could have dread-locks but mom says only dirty people have dread locks. Jonathan Davis has dread-locks and he's not dirty. Mom's full of shit.

My favorite time to take a bath is when I'm on my period. I like to let the water run and watch a pink stream come from between my legs to the drain. This time the water got really red because I just died my hair red. I lay down in the tub and watched the tinted water run down my chest and go to my belly button. It turned my belly button into a pool of red water.

But I didn't think the water was red enough so I shaved my legs. I didn't want to. I'm not going to wear shorts till next summer. But I shaved anyway. I used one of the cheep ones made by that pen company. I don't know why a pen company would want to make shavers. That's just weird. I shaved my legs with it so it would make my legs bleed. I like when my legs bleed cuz the cuts make shinny little orbs of blood until they get so big they run down my leg and into the pink water.

I didn't masturbate this time. I have bad cramp because of my period. And if I masturbate my cramps will get worse. Plus I don't like it when I get blood under my fingernails.

I'm listening to KoRn right now. "Hey Daddy", it's one of my favorite songs. I have to play my CDs on my headphones though. Brother is playing his wrestling videogames and loud. I told him to turn it down, but all he did was tell me to fuck off and go to my room. He's two years younger than me but thinks he owns the house. Just because Dad was a dick to us doesn't mean he can too. I called him a fagot and turned it down but he had the remote. Damn. So I told mom to yell at him and it worked.

I'm glad Dad didn't come over today. Mom called him this morning because Brother was talking back to her. Dad said he wasn't coming because I didn't call him. He said I told him I might be at a friend’s house. That's true but he never told me to call him. Or maybe he did? Fuck I don't remember, and I don't care. He's an asshole. And I hid in the sheets on the couch for an hour because Mom called him. I hate her when she does that. My heart beats really fast and I can't breath good. The counselor says that's called an anxiety attack and that's why she got a doctor to put me on Prozac. But Mom's mad because she wanted them to put me on Paxil like she is. Not crappy Prozac. I don't think Prozac works either, look at Jon Davis; he isn't any better.

I have school tomorrow. I don't want to go but I have to or else I'll flunk all my classes. I'm already failing Spanish. But the teacher is a paranoid bitch. It's not my fault. I think I have math homework too. Bye-bye, first entry.

Dear God entry #2

Dear God,

My purple contacts hurt. I don't know if their worth cheep attention. He wasn't even here today. That made me mad. He cut like he said he would. I thought he was full of shit. I wanted him to see my eyes all pretty. I wanted him to get close to me again. I like it when he gets next to me. Even though I know he doesn't want me. I'm ugly. Who would like a girl who's flat? I thought I had a nice butt cuz that's what B. tried to grab when he liked me. I don't know. I didn't see my dream guy today, well I did but not at lunch like I usually do. I had a dream about him last night. I had a dream he knew me and was nice but he wasn't very romantic like I wish he were. He was just, nice. He did give me a kiss. But that made me realize that's not why I like him. I keep seeing him as someone else, like someone I've know, but not as me as I am now, but as someone else. I don't know how to explain it. I just wish he'd notice me. I watch him all the time I don't know why he hasn't realized it yet. But then why would he care. I hate that. That just makes me want to die. I want to die when I think that I may never know him. When I walk over the overpass after school I sometimes wonder what it would be like to climb over that metal barrier and jump to the cars below, to the concrete. But I'm afraid if I do that I might live. I wouldn't want that. I hope tomorrow I can get the other guy’s attention. I want him to touch me again. I like when he touches me. I like when boys make me scared of them.